When Things Go Wrong
by Princess Santa Clause
Summary: Okay this is totally a story where the Akatsuki come into our world. Now I know whatcha mean "THIS HAS BEEN DONE SO MUCH" but I honestly wanted to try, and I believe this is the most random story I've ever written ever. With the Bipolar Vera, the Sassy Otaku Randy, and the Geeky Ginger Melice, how will the AKATUSKI live? Rated T for Randy and Hidan's foul arse language. Pairs later
1. Chapter 1

"Ahh...Another day..." Melice muttered to herself. She sat up in her bed then her eyes fluttered open to a few slivers of black hair.

"Eh...? Randy...? When'd you get here?" She reached out and ruffled the hair on the head, "And you're up before me... I'm so proud.. I thought I'd never see the day."

"..." The black haired person turned to its side, "Kisame..."

"Starting cosplay early?" melice asked sluggishly. She opened the door to her room and walked out, "Be right back, going to the kitchen."

"Kisame...Did we just let her slip away?"

"... I think we did."

The door reopened, and the orange haired girl walked back inside, picking up her glasses from her nighstand, "Forgot my specs." She pushed them onto her nose, stopping her squinting and blinking a few times.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

The silence went on for far too long (About a good five minutes,) and it wafted around uncomfortably as they stared at one another.

_**POV. Vera**_

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I shot up out of bed at the sound of Melice's screaming. I'd snuck in late last night after getting locked out of my house, and now I was face to face with a sexy.. blonde haired-

WAIT, Wait Wait. I didn't introduce myself yet. That's obviously more important. my name's Vera Jayne, I'm a Junior in highschool. Hittin' the big 1-7 in a few months. Or at least that's how old I was around the time all this happened. Don't ask me how old I am now...asking a woman's age is rude...

Shoo.

Anyyyyywhooo~

Where was I? Oh yeah!

So I found myself face to face with a super sexy, indescribably hot blonde. God... I could have just raped his soft hair with my hands and-

"GET HER OFF, DANNA! SHE'S CREEPING ME OUT UN!"

"If you need me," The red-head began, "I'llbe somewhere other than here."

"DANNA! NO UN! DON'T!"

"We're aloooooone~" I sang, laughing in a creepy, short-breathed manner like the kind of people that call you in the middle of the niht, asking you what your favorite scary movie is.

I was dropped on the ground and when I turned around, my sexy blonde was running off! Vera Jayne couldn't have that, could she?

"COME BACK!" I shouted, jumping to my feet, "I'll be gentle, I SWEAR!" I ran after him. I skidded into the livingroom and stopped at the doorway, scouting the room. Black haired guy, shark dude, Melice tied up tight on the floor with rope, BLONDE HOTTY IN A FIREPLACE! I darted over and poked my head into the fireplace. "SEXY! I found you! Are you trying to be my secret Santa or something~?"

"Danna! Help!" Shouted the blonde guy, and it looked like he was trying to run directly up the fireplace! Haha~! Funny guy, funny guy.

"I said I'd be Gentle!"

"Stay back!" He thrusted out a hand holding a pulsating, white clay spider, "I'm warning you un!"

I tilted my head, and reached out for it, only to be snatched backward prior to a large explosion. Then my little blonde man came walking out, huffing out a puff of soot, "Not cool.."

I turned to look at who was holding me now by my collar. A Silver haired guy. He looked really really old because of it but not old. You know? No, you probably don't. You weren't there.

"You need to learn how to handle people," The silvery guy said, shaking me and knocking my brains around in my head, "Just be honest..."

He didn't sound like the type to be honest. Especially since he was licking his lips like a creepy weirdo when he said it.

"Hidan, and honest? I thought the only way I'd ever hear those two together in a sentence is if the words "is not" was between them," A masked man with shiny greeny eyes grumbled.

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!" I concurred loudly.

"Oh. HAHAHA! HA! SO FUCKIN' FUNNY, YA BASTARD!" Silverdude (My new nickname for him, cause he wears his cape like a stupid hero. Oops, typo. **Super Hero) pulled my ear closer and he started whispering and I thought it was gonna be vows of love, "shut the hell up and comply, bitch."

_**POV MELICE**_

"Uh oh..." I trailed.

"Uh oh?" The orange masked boy repeated chirpily in question, "What uh oh?"

"Bitch...? Comply...Bitch...?" Repeated Vera in a high pitched voice. Her eyes flashed pupilless and red, and her jaw hung loose and open, "I'll guage out your eyes with my hands," She hissed. Her hand rose up and slapped, open palmed, onto his eye, gribbing around his eyelid and wriggling around his eye.

"AH! AHH! GET HER THE FUCK OFF OF ME!"

Although the shrieking in utter terror was a little of a concentration-breaker, I started to put these pieces together. "A shark man...?" I muttered to myself in question, "Wrinkles man..." "An Explosion...?" I would have scratched my chin, but my arms were tied up. "And a silver haired man with a scythe?"

"BLONDIE! COME OUT AND PLAYYYY!"

"GET HER AWAY FROM ME UN!"

" BUT IT'S BETTER YOU THAN ME, YOU BLONDE BITCH!"

"SHE WANTS MY BODY UN!"

"SHE WANTS TO GUAGE MY EYES OUT!"

"Of course..." I thought aloud, "That has to be it.."

"Relax, Boys! I can have you both!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I snapped my fingers and jumped up, falling over on my back thanks to the tight rope I was bound with, "YOU'RE CRIMINAL COSPLAYERS!"

"NOOOoo...o.. Wiat what?" Hidan questioned snappily.

"You dressed up like cosplayers, and targetted me..! To rob my house! And. And you knew that way you could use the canon names of the characters.. as code names! And we'd never know!"

All activity in the room stopped.

"Tobi's brain hurts..." The masked boy whined.

Vera slid off of Hidan's back, and it seemed like her 'good' personality had come back, "Wowee, Melice! You sure are smart!"

"What the hell is she talking about?" Kisame spat.

"Guess I'm wrong..."

_**POV. RANDY**_

I walked up the sidewalk and stopped at the last door on the right. I was going to visit Melice that day, but I was beginning to have second thoughts. I looked at the red-painted door and chewed at my bottom lip, "Should I go inside?" T'was a valid question. afterall, I'd just heard a scream, a crash, an explosion, and a totally not manly shriek, "Oh what the hell." I kicked open the door and threw my hands up, "SUP G-.. o..oh.."

"Oh Hi, Randy!" Chirped Vera.

"..." I looked around and arched a brow, "So somehow the Akatsuki wound up in your livingroom, got chased by Vera, tied up Melice, and somehow despite her high IQ and incredible intelligence, she's yet to realize they're not cosplayers, but actually the real Akatsuki, since she all sceince and rational detail and has no imagination or child-like belief in supernatural occurances?"

"You must be the smart one," Trailed Pein.

That's right, I had no skeptics whatsoever. I knew 100% from the beginning that they were the real Akatsuki, and since I'm the one narrating right now, NO ONE CAN TELL YOU OTHERWISE!

"I'm Hidan, and I want to marry you and have precisely two children."

"Let us rent out a suite in Costa Rica for our Honeymoon," I sang.

("Hold it!")

"Why are you in Parenthesis?" I ask Melice.

("Because I'm breaking the fourth wall, and so are you! I'm here to be the voice of reason!")

"Voice of reason?"

("YES! NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED!")

"Please enjoy this elevator music while I search for a fuck to give..."

(I hold up a sign that says 'Please Stand By')

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

Okay I'm back. So apparently I have to at least try to be accurate. So let's start over from my entrance.

"Oh! Hi, Randy!" Chirped Vera.

"What the hell is going on?" I questioned, looking around at the Chaos.

"Cosplayers." Muttered Melice, "Crazy Cosplayers."

"Cosplayers eh?" Ya see after this little showcase here, you're gonna see who rightfully earned their place as the group's Otaku.

"Why the fuck does everyone keep saying that word!?" Hidan shouted, "WHAT THE HELL IS COSPLAY?"

"Pretty accurate," I thought aloud, sizing up the Hidan cosplayer, "Who's your god?"

"Jashin, you fuckin' heathen!"

"Favorite word?"

"Massacre"

"Favorite weapon?"

"Scythe."

"Most prized posession?"

"Rosary."

"Age?"

"I'M IMMORTAL, BITCH!...But technically I'm 22."

I snapped my fingers, "Damn, he's good." Then I had a pretty good thought. That kinda thought and evil genius thinks when he thought he'd already had all the best thoughts, but then thinks a new thought. I whirled around and twitched my lips into a smile, "Favorite. Food." The detail all cosplayers forget!

"Spare..Rib."

"...Most notable physical quirk?"

"THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"Damnit.." I snapped my fingers, "By far the best cosplayer yet!"

"What the FUCK IS COSPLAY? I SWEAR TO JASHIN IF I HAVE TO ASK AGAIN I'LL FUCKING DECAPITATE THEN SACRIFICE YOU ALL!"

"Cosplay is a way fans show appreciation to an anime, or a show, or game, or a creation in general," Came an eerie voice. "**Pretty stupid and pointless if you ask me,"** A similar, yet somehow darker, voice proclaimed.

"H..Hey where's that coming from..?" Melice question hesitantly.

Vera pressed her ear against the ground, "Here? I think here. It sounds like it's coming from here!"

"ZETSU-SANNN!" Tobi shouted, hands being thrown into the air and waved around like a high guy.

Sure enough, Zetsu, in all his yin-yang, venus flytrap dude glory emerged up from the floor. I heard shrieks in unison and I assumed it to be Melice and Vera, cause ya know.. I don't get scared and all. ..Ahem. But look, Zetsu stepped out of the way, and Deidara's mouths opened and I think all three of them were screaming. He coughed into his hand to try taking eyes off of him, but everyone saw.. and heard that. Now, this is where you guys will learn that the three of us all experience fear in different ways.

Melice, she screamed, and was now at the point, she seemed near tears. I...

"FUCK! S..SHIT WHAT THE FUCK JUST.. WHAT THE HELL EVEN"

..Rambling and cursing is my choice.

And Vera...

"COOL!" She poked the creature and place dher flat out palm over its face.

"Be careful, Vera, he's a cannibal," I cautioned.

"I KNOW!"

Well..She's just Vera. 'Nough said.

"Hang on!" I began. Everyone kept talking. Totally typical. Now I know how the teachers I made quit felt. "AHEM!" Still talking. At least they aren't throwing erasers and books. I sucked in a deep breath. "YOU GUYS!"

This time, everyone sat like little obedient puppies and looked my way. And I started to think that maybe I did have a way with people. Ya know.. Even though my mother said I would never be a people-person ever in life. ...Great Pep-talk mom. Great pep talk.

That's when I realized, by the sound of a booming voice that said, "Tie the others up," That I wasn't the one they were afraid of. It was most likely that sassy ginger behind me; Pein.


	2. Chapter 2: Interrogation

POV MELICE

I flinched, squirming in the ropes, "Hey! They said to tie them up! Not to..." I faltered under Pein's glare and ignored the fact that you probably read 'Pein's' as 'enis'. "N-Not..Bound m-me up..T..Ti..Tighter and.." I decided to just keep quiet. Being caught up in an arguemnt with this guy would probably leave me both emotionally, and hysically scarred. Then a burst of either major stupidity or boldness jumped into me (to this day, I believe it's the former). "B-But..." I flinched when he glared down at me, "We're...er...we have...a hair..color bond?"

"You're both Gingers," Randy snickered.

"Gingerbreadmen!" Vera chirped.

And just when I thought this was a joke between us captives..

"TEAM HEARTLESS GINGERS!" Hidan shouted.

"Shut it!" Pein snapped.

I was beginning to believe that maybe these guys were the real deal... Actually, since Zetsu came reverse-sinking through the floor, I had my hunch. Although, I still couldn't come to terms with the fact that this was real life. I figured it was some sort of sugar-induced dream..and now that I look back on it, that explains my completely irrational blondness.

"...Ginger Jack and Ginger Jill..." I began to sing.

A vein popped out of Pein's head. ... Weird cause, ya know.. He's a corpse.. Hah...Deadness...This is kinda weird when I think about it now.. It's like Edward from Twilight. How'd they have a kid? He doesn't even have a BLOOD FLOW! HE CAN'T GET A BO- Oh...Look, I'm rambling again.. Back to the story.

"Climbed a little ginger hill.."

"I mean it," Pein snarled, "STOP."

"Ginger Jack asked Ginger Jill to see her Ginger Rack," Randy said in a sing song tone.

I shot a look over to her, "That's...not how it goes."

"Shhhhhhhhhhhut! The Hell up! I'm improvising!" Randy shot back, shutting me up while she continued on with a gruff sigh, "So Ginger Jill showed Ginger Jack a full, row of antlers on a yak..."

"A YAK?!" I exclaimed.

"Would you rather I say Ginger Boobs? Cause I TRIED To make it Kid friendly!"

"And then Ginger Jack and Ginger Jill fell into the well and disolved and died.. The end!" Vera cheeped.

"SASORI!" Shouted Pein, and luckily for him, the red haired male had just entered the living room from the...fro..from my kitchen...?

"Wha?" He walked over, Arms folded over his chest, "What is it...?"

"Use your poison to interrogate them..."

"Well...I don't have Hiruko with me..." Sasori trailed.

"Your point?" Questioned an irritable Pein.

The three of us looked back and forward between the two, usually shifting our attention to the one talking at that moment.

"My point is, I'm ill-prepared for poison interrogation."

"But you always have poison on you...Literally."

"It'll be awkward..."

"This is important! Who cares about what's AWKWARD?"

"Was that a rhetorical question?"

"It doesn't matter! Interrogate them, now!"

"Fine..."

I watched Sasori stand in the exact same spot, examining his black-painted fingernails, then picking at his teeth with his pinkie.

"SASORI!" Pein boomed sternly.

"Huh?"

"The INTERROGATION!"

"Ooh...You meant.. Right now?"

I could have sworn Pein's voice soared up like 3 octaves, cause I distinctly recall it sounding like a frustrated bat, "YES! RIGHT NOW!"

"Heh," Shaking his head, Sasori smirked with clear amusement, "You need to be more specific."

"I swear to myself, Sasori, if you screw with me..." Pein hissed.

"YOU CALL YOURSELF JASHIN?!" Hidan shouted in accusation, slapping a lamp from the table. No...slapping MY lamp from MY table!

"MY LAMP!" I cried out.

"Hidan!" Pein scolded.

"It was Blondie!" Hidan shouted back, thumbing to Deidara.

"Was not un!"

"If you two annoy me one more time, I'll untie this brown haired one!" Pein growled, pointing down to Vera who I could have sworn started foaming from the mouth.

"They Both annoy you! Let me at 'em!" She squealed.

"Hold still," Sasori grumbled, detaching his arm from the elbow down, and showing a blade. I choked up for a second, "Eaaasyy!" I cautioned.

"Hush. You guys don't have to worry about a thing as long as you tell me what I want to know."

"W-We will!" I squeaked

"I won't!" Vera chirped.

"Dunno yet. Depends on how I'm feeling when it gets to my turn, and so far according to these ropes, I'm not feeling all that amused," Scoffed Randy.

That was the day.. I realized that my friends would be the death of me.

POV VERA

"You first," Sasori hummed, pointing to me. I blinked a few times, "Why meeee?" I half sang half whined.

"No reason."

It did look like he chose randomly...but maybe that's just what he wants me to think! In some cultures, covering your eyes and slinging your detached arm t'ward a person is how you say 'I LIKE YOUR HAIR! LET'S PHONE HOME! KROP CIRCULZ!'.

"Thank you.."

Sasori raised a brow, "What?"

"Nothing! Ask away!"

"Alright. Who are you all?"

I pointed to Melice, "That's Melice Rune, I"m Vera Jayne." I paused, looking at my hand then moving it to point at myself, "And this is Re-"

"Jackson," Randy said quickly, "Randy Jackson, dog."

"Did I ask you to speak?" Sasori asked in an even tone, although he seemed kinda freaky- I mean scary.

"Nooo... Silly Silly.. Your name is Rendina Enderson!"

"YOU DITZY..." Randy took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, but aloooot more yelling came out, "VERA, SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!"

"Aiye Aiye!" I shouted, vowing to keep quiet.

"Where are we?" Sasori asked next.

"EATRH!" I chirped. I never said how long my vow would last...

"Obviously...Where on Earth?"

"Melice's House!"

Sasori looked at Pein, and Pein looked back, and they had this look like 'why. what is life'. Dunno why though.

"We're getting nowhere..." Pein muttered, "Why are we getting nowhere?"

"Give me a chance," Sasori snapped, "Where is Melice's House?"

"...Earth?"

"..."

"Maybe you should...try the other one," Pein suggested.

"Agreed.."

POV RANDY

I looked over at Melice, watching them move toward her, "Stay strong, Ginger!"

"Shut up, Rendina," Sasori demanded, narrowing his eyes in my direction. THAT WAS IT. THAT. WAS IT. I twitched in reply, becoming a little pissed. no. OVER PISSED. THAT WAS MY LINE. AND HE JUST THREW HIS DETACHED ARM OVER IT. My mom was the only one that ever called me Rendina and over the years I've managed to convince her Randy was better too. I Took in a heavy breath.

"MY NAME IS FUCKING RANDY, YOU PRICKS!"

*Slap*

My jaw dropped, and I rubbed my right cheek, "Did you just...slap me..?"

"Ooohhh..." Vera began gaping.

"Uh oh..." Melice muttered under her breath.

"Uh oh!" Tobi repeated chirpily.

"The last time I heard 'Uh Oh'," Hidan began," I almost Lost a FUCKING EYE!"

I took a deeeeep breath, then hundreds of curse words flew from my mouth.

("I know it's not my turn, but Vera here! And I think I need to skip this part, because I think all of these curse words would be illegal to string together in one sentence! So, Let's just skip ahead about 7 minutes.)

Everyone stared at me, jaws dropped.

"Oh my Lord..." Pein said. My only guess was they had never heard so many curse words in one sentence.

"...Fucking Shit..." Hidan even looked astonished. Guess I out cursed 'em! HAH!

"I'm Calm now..." I finally said.

"Uh...Good." Sasori said, slapping a piece of tape over my mouth. I looked half liddly at him, "Mmph Hmph Brmph."

He snatched the tape from my mouth, but I didn't say anything right away, I just looked at him. He looked too smug... "I'm sorry, what was that? I didn't quite catch it." He questioned with a raised brow and a smirk. He was satisfied! THAT WAS SATISFACTION! THAT ASSHOLE!

"I said..." I began loudly, "If my arms were freed... I'd flip you off, then shove your arm up your ass harder than your yaoilicious Blonde partner, Femb-"

*SLAP*

The tape was smacked back onto my mouth before I could finish...Asshole.

"Now, you," Pein said, pointing to Melice.

"I was getting there," Sasori Scoffed, turning to face the shaking Melice. Poor girl was terrified.

"M-M-Me...?" She stammered.

"Where are we?" Sasori questioned.

Melice had terrible fear of public speaking. And sure she was in her own livingroom, but with over eight pairs of eyes on her, she was dead to the world. They wouldn't get shit outta her.

"W-Well.. Um.. W..Well.. We're.. We're in.." Melice looked around the room at everyone looking at her and I could see her turning red.

"Wh..What the hell's with her face un?" Deidara inquired, sweatdropping after noting the drastic change in color.

"Mph.. Mphoo Ph Pl..." I rolled my eyes. Why did I even bother?

"Don't worry!" Vera sang. Somehow, even through all this, she was the most talkative one and didn't get her mouth taped...ASSHOLES!

"I speak muffle!" Vera shouted, turning to me and grinning, "Mmph hmph plmph br humph!"

I rolled my eyes, 'She's holding her breath you idiots! She's gonna pass out!' That's what I thought I'd said, but it came out something like "Brmees hmhing gr bresh uuoo idssuklfhaslfa bress mnna mrs ourr!"

"Uhuh..Uhuh..Uhuh..." Vera turned her head back to Saosri and Pein, "She says she hit the GROOYAH with her best Mum moo for Mrs. Ourrrrrr.."

"What?" Sasori blinked a few times.

"Mmph?" I questioned through 'muffle'.

"ENOUGH OF THIS FOOLISHNESS!" Pein shouted.

I tried to nudge my head to the right, tried to show everyone Melice was now shaking and likely oxygen deprived. But nooo.

"Now she says Dance!" Vera shouted, nudging her head to the right too.

"W..W.." Sasori and Pein exchanged glances again.

"EVERYBODY DANCE!" Vera shouted.

Kisame nudged his head to the left, then the right while snapping his fingers, "This is a load of Bullshit, Itachiii..." Kisame whispered to his partner who nodded, not bothering to dance.

"...NO! EVERYBODY DOESN'T DANCE!" Pein hissed, making Vera stop.

Suddenly, there was a thump. I looked over, looking at the passed out Melice that had fallen over.

"Shit." Sasori muttered.

"OHHH! That's what Randy was saying! She said that Melice was running out of air and about to pass out!"

I looked half liddedly, or I guess lazily for the sake of using the same word over and over, at Sasori. I couldn't say anything without it coming out like Gibrish, but I think the look got my point across.

POV VERA

"No more from you," Pein grumbled, slapping a piece of tape over my mouth, "You've lost your speaking privelages."

Someone was gettin' snippity snooo! I wriggled my lips and crossed my eyes, to look at the tape, "WROOO HOOOO!"

Randy rolled her eyes and as soon as Pein had ripped the tape off, she spat in his eye. Quickly, he shot his hand back over his eye and scowled, "I'm getting sick of your shit, Rend-er...Randy."

"Mmm hm hm hm ph!" I sang.

"What?" Sasori questioned, teairng my tape off for a moment.

"I said...Mmm hm hm hm ph! I thought it was pretty obvious..."

"Remind me never to take this off again," The puppet guy put the scrap of tape on again. I didn't mind. It was more fun this way! Insert evil emoticon here!

"Shoulda seen that coming," Randy said under her breath, being wonderfully irritable as always!

"Are you going to answer my questions?" Sasori sighed, also being too fed up now.

"Randy looked up, pursing her lips in thought before going completely straight-faced, "...No."

"Then I'll just inject this poison..."

"Do it."

"...Excuse me?" Sasori seemed like he was bout to tear out that red pretty hair in frustration, "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT'LL KILL YOU...?"

"Yeah.. But that'd be your problem.."

"HOW?!" Pein shouted throwing his hands in the air. He was near his popcorn point.. Well.. no. He reached his popcorn point like an hour ago.. and now.. He was buuurninggg.

"Because. You'd be in a world you don't know with no guide or other source of information," Randy shrugged.

"...I'm done." Sasori threw his hand up, sending his detached one flying across the room, "I'm DONE!"

"TOBI GOT HIS ARM! TOBI WINS! TOBI'S A FAST BOY!"

"GO PUT YOUR ARM ON!" Pein commanded.

"NO. I'm DONE!" Sasori shot back.

"I've been watching this failure for long enough," A Calm voice sighed.


	3. Chapter 3: FINALLY! Poor Akatuski

**Disclaimer: o3o I don't own Naruto. If I did, I'd pay millions of dollars to force people to beome my real life Akatuski members... :) I'mNotWeirdAtAll.**

**Randy: RANDY HERE, WITH A RECAP! /Takes a breath/**

**The Akatsuki are in Melice's House, we're tied up, Melice is dead, we're being questioned, the Akatsuki are assholes.**

**Recap over, now READ THE DAMN STORY!**

VERA'S POV

I looked toward the kitchen, and I saw a really pretty lady with really pretty blue hair and really pretty orange eyes. She was really pretty, and she had a really pretty bowl of cherries too.. So red.. and ripe looking. I looked up and saw puppet man looking at me with disgust, and thaaaat's when I felt alll the drool start bubbling up under the tape.

"Here, hold these," She said, handing the cherries to Pein, who simply glared at them, then walking over to Sasori, "I'll take it from here."

I leaned back onto Melice since she was dead. Dead gingerbread men make such a good pillow when they don't fall down a well and disolve! And I kinda needed to lean back because my butt was starting to feel hurty and flat from sitting on this not so soft floor.

"Be my guest (He sang it wrong, by the way. It's Be OUR guest! DUHH)," Sasori scoffed, taking a few steps back to watch with his arm, which was now back on, folded across his chest.. No wait both of his arms were folded, but that one arm was just like what I was watching most, because a few seconds ago I think that man with the mask was trying to nom on it. Which was SO funny to watch because it can't fit through the hole! PAHAHA A square can't fit through a circle! I've tried!

The tape was snatched from my mouth and I looked up at the lady, smiling widely, "HIIIIIIIIIIIIII, LADY!" I shouted, only to be greeted by her look which really didn't change. She was like statue woman.

"Hello. You're going to answer some questions, okay?"

"It depends on what kind of questions, 'cause my daddy says that if anyone tries to ask me if I take any streets or alleyways home where no one is watching and there aren't alot of witnesses, then I shou-"

"Not those kind of questions," The woman said, cutting me off.

My daddy's a police, so he knows best. Next to mommy, Randy, Melice, My Dog, Nibbles, and the president. So my Daddy's a police, and he knows sixth best!

"What kiiiind of questions? I'm also not s'posed to say what my favorite scary movie is, or what I'm wearing." I added in, just to be sure. I didn't say anything bad! But I got taped again! ...YAY!

"Told you. That's how it's gonna be the whole time," Grumbled Pein.

"I have a plan," Blue lady said, swiftly turning around to face the other Akatsuki members.

RANDY'S POV

I smirked...or at least I would be smirking if this tape would let me. These guys wouldn't be getting anything out of me, and they definitely couldn't get shit out of Vera. This was just the perfect setup! We couldn't even be hurt, because if we were, they'd be screwed. Ahhhh.. Life is good.

Konan (Yes, I call by name, because I'm the otaku, and I know this shit) grabbed Deidara by the ear, yanking her up and smirking ever so slightly. Shit. She was gonna do what I think she was gonna do.. I COULDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!

"It's not gonna work," I scoffed, turning and glaring at Vera, "Don't tell 'em shit, Ver, got it?"

"Aye Aye, Captain Crunch!" She chirped, nodding her head in salute, "I was MADE for this Job! But if I don't come out alive, Tell Nibbles... He needs to start using the puppy potty.."

"Yes, Vera...You can count on me.. I won't relay your message in any way shape or form.. But do what the hell I say."

"Anything for my county.."

"KONAN! Their collaboration is going to ruin whatever you have planned. How could you just let it happen?" Pein growled. It seemed he had controllll issues. Obviously if he can't do it, he thinks no one else can. Pfft. Guys, I swear. Big jackasses. I kinda want her to succeed, just to rub it in his pierced face!

"Let me handle this. I know what I'm doing, and being that the two of you have already failed, there is nothing to lose, nor nothing for you to advise me of."

I LIKE THIS GIRL'S STYLE!

She turned to me and looked blankly, "Tape the black haired one's mouth..."

I HATE THIS BITCH'S STYLE!

Sasori spread a piece of tape over my mouth, and too bad it was a fresh one, cause the other one had been pulled off and put on so much, that I probably coulda blown it at 'em. ...Something tells me I shouldn't be proud of that skill..

"Your name is Vera, right?" Konan asked softly, causing Vera to nod in a hurried fashion.

"YAHP! THAT'S ME!"

"Good," She said, snagging Deidara by the ear while being completely undisturbed by the way he flailed like a fish and whined to be let go, "Let's play a game..."

NO. NOT A GAME!

"A GAME?! OOO OOO OOO! WHAT GAME? I WANT TO PLAY! CAN I PLAY? PLEEEEAAAASE?"

Games are Vera's one weakness... Hopefully she'll 'play' dumb again.. and I say play dumb because I know she's really not playing. She's dumber than a pet rock... In fact, I bet she'd lose to the rock in an IQ test. Anyway. I could only hope this wouldn't work, after all, I fucking HATE losing.

"Yes, you can. I'm going to ask you questions.. and for each one you get right, Deidara moves a step closer.. Answer all of my questions, and you win him."

My God, that little ball of crazy screamed like a banshee and I could have sworn she was about to snap herself clean out of those ropes.

"I'LL ANSWER WHATEVER YOU WANT!"

"DON'T TAKE ME TO HER UN, PLEASE!"

"Hush," Konan told them both, succeeding in quieting them down, "First question. What planet are we on?"

"EARTH EARTH EARTH!" Screeched Vera, wriggling and struggling happily. Probably 'cause that was a question she could actually answer.

"Good." Taking a step forward, Konan pulled Deidara closer with her, despite his struggling.

"YES YES YES!" Vera cried out.

"NO NO NO UN!" Flailed Deidara.

"Your MOUTH SAYS NO! BUT YOUR IMPEDIMENT SAYS YES!"

Holy shit. That was actually smart... I think.. I'm going to lose..

"Not to ruin your...attempt, Konan," Began Pein, and gawd, I was just hoping he was gonna try and be smart, then end up fucking everything up, "But we already know this."

DO I WANT HER TO WIN OR LOSE? I'M TORN! FUCK, NOW I KNOW HOW ZETSU FEELS!

"Let me handle this," She said with a shrug, "Next question.. Where in Earth are we?"

"OOooo I know this one! Melice's House! MELICE'S HOUSE! BRING BLONDIE HEREEE!"

"Oh... I'm sorry, but.. That's not the answer I was looking for... Deidara moves back one space."

"EEEEEEENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Vera shrieked.

That was it. My ears were gonna bleed. I knew damn well they were. I couldn't cover my ears because of this damned rope, and she just wasn't going to quit until either her throat fell out or she got to rape the little femboy.

"WE'RE IN MARYLAND, LOCATED IN NORTH AMERICA!"

"Good girl," Konan halfway praised, tossing Deidara at the pathetic Vera.

VERA'S POV

MY HANDS WERE TIED! BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP ME!

I BIT HIM.

"AGHHH SHE BIT ME! GET HER OFF UN!"

By the EAR! And help him still! I worked hard and put alot of National Geographics in place to win that game, and I wasn't letting go of my prize!

"Grrrraghrgrr.."

"THIS IS SO WEIRD, UN!"

"Mph hmph bmph..." I grumbled, muffled by the tape.

"I'd say it's safe to untape that one now," Konan pointed out, and so Peiner took the tapes off! I really didn't pay much attention to Randy until she actually started talking, cause I was too busy tearing into my new babeh! but not a real baby, 'cause that would be really really weird.

"So. You guys went through for two hours trying to get all this info out of us, and here you don't even know enough to use it."

It got reaaally really quiet.. I think Randy killed their happies from winning...IT WAS FUNNY THOUGH!

I burst out laughing, forgetting about my hold on Deideideidara. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"She bit my damned Ear, un!" Whined the blondie that ran really fast away from me, like so fast that I almost thought that he wanted to get away...NAHHH. No way! Of course not!

"So, what the hell are you gonna do now?" Snorted Randy like a little piggly wiggly.

It got quiets again... What WERE they gonna do...?

**A/N: LOL. So. There's Chapter 3. Interrogation finally ended :D! Poor guys.. LOL. Anywho, thanks SO much to everyone that left reviews, I really appreciate you all. LOTS OF LOVE /Gives heavy love/ Yahhh! Anywho. I gotta admit I really like this story.. so I hope you guys like it as much as me!**

**Randy: WHEN ARE WE GETTING FREAKING UNTIED?**

**Melice: /Unconscious/**

**Vera: ... o3o...Meeeliiiiiceee? /pokes her with a stick/**

**Melice: /Twitches/**

**Vera: Uh oh..**

**Hidan: NO MORE FUCKING UH OH**

**Me: D: C'mon guys. Say bye to the lovely viewers.**

**Randy: Go.. I go last because I'm awesome..**

**Me: NNONONONO I go last because I'm the author :P**

**Vera: Melice goes last because she's dead!**

**Randy: ..Y..Yeah.. Jus.. JUST GO VERA**

**Vera: hiiiii lovely viewers! I hope you're all liking me because vera thinks vera is pretty cool!**

**Randy: And Psychotic...**

**Me: NO SPOILERS!**

**Randy: AGH. Okay Okay! Fine! Bye you fuckin' lovely viewers or whatever!**

**Melice: x-x**

**Me: Aha..Hahaaa... ;~; /Waves/ ..B..Bye lovely viewers. Hopefully these guys don't kill me before I finish chapter 4.**


	4. Chapter 4: Do you wanna da school?

**A/N: IT's time for the Nighttime talk show with Melice.**

**Melice: Hello.. And welcome.. Salutations.. Hello.. Our first issue today.. Is the fact that we need to skip all of the commercial breaks tonight.. That's right.. such a tragedy..**

**Randy: SO READ THE GODDAMN STORY!**

POV MELICE

"Ahh.." My eyes started to creak open, and I started to blink away the blurriness. I was laying on my back, staring at my ceiling, "Oh.. Thank God.." I trailed, heaving heavy sighs. "It was just a dream."

"Tobi was dreaming too!"

I turned my head to the side slowly, seeing an orange, swirly mask with a black hole in the front, staring me back in the face! What even WAS That thing?! Everyone that said it looked like a basketball was WRONG! I screamed immediately, jumping up and running clean out of the room. It wasn't getting me!

I threw myself out into the hallway and I never stopped! I didn't have my glasses on, I was wearing the same pajamas as I was in that creepy dream! What the heck! Just what the heck!

"WAHHH!" I slipped over a conveniently placed rubberduck, and slid down towards the huge staircase leading downstairs. I was shrieking louder than possible! I was too young to die! Okay so that's not true! BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO!

POV RANDY

"So this is gonna be your room.." I trailed off. I was looking at ponytail and sushi over there with the darkest look. I hated these guys for beating me out, but somehow, through bargaining and offering to cell their terrorist's body for rent, they got all-expense paid rooms for the Melice Fromage... Fromag.. I don't know fucking French! Get outta here!

Hell, I don't know how they could've done that without Melice's permission, but hey! Wasn't my house. SO I didn't care. I am probably one shitty friend.

I watched them start exploring around. WHO did they think they WERE? I just showed them to their room! I used MY legs. Dragged my Goddamn self up those killer fucking steps and away from my TV to show them THEIR ROOM. I held my hand out!

"What do you want?" Kisame scoffed, raising a nonexistent gill-brow while looking at me questioningly. Those beady eyes of his. I was just hoping to God that the apocolypse would come tomorrow, and we'd have to fry him and eat him to survive. THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN DAMN WELL WHAT I WANTED.

"No tip?" I questioned, raising a brow. I was tapping my foot right now.

Kisame looked at me blankly, then reached over to grab the hilt of that giant ass tamp-.. Yeah.. We might have dudes reading this. I don't need to say that... Aw fuck it! That Giant ass tampon of a sword! Not comfortable with a little period joke? Well fuck you! You came out of a chick, didn't you?! "Run before I slash you open? Hey, Itachi, was that a good tip?"

"NO," I shouted before the black haired old prune could get a word in, "Good advice would be to use that taped up nail file to grind those sharp ass teeth dow-" Before I finished, I looked up to the ceiling.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Blueboy and Weasel looked a little startled. Wimps. I was looking up, on the other hand, like this was just a usual thing! 'Cause it was! I put my hands in my pockets, "Sounds like Melice is awake."

"This is... an everyday thing?" Itachi questioned, sounding the slightest bit concerned.

"Yeah. Don't worry about it. Probably just another mild concussion. Now if you hear alternative scream number two?!" That was usually this high pitched scream that was so fucking stressing that it sounded like it was making her voice crack. HELL I affectionately call it a penguin giving birth to an elephant! And that's AFFECTIONATELY. Jesus Christ it's like bleeding EARS, "If it were that.. Well she'd probably be bleeding out of her face, twisted up like a pretzel, and just plain FUBAR."

"..Fubar?" Kisame inquired. Figures he would. Fuckin' out of towners..

"Fucked up beyond all recognition," I corrected.

"Oh dear God.." Trailed the raven haired Uchiha.

POV VERA

Down in the kitchen's where I am! I'm frying up the bacon strips! MORE bacon strips! MORE Bacon strips! "BACON STRIPS FOR THE SQUEAKING WIN!"

The redhead doll looked up blankly, "For the what?"

I whipped around, holding the fork up high and mighty, "SQUEAKING WIN! IT'S EPIC BREAKFAST TIME!"

"Right.. That's what I thought you said.." He flipped the page in the newspaper. He was SO into what's going on here! but it's so tiny here! It's like small and nothing good ever happens! Just last week, a duck made the front page! For crossing the street and slowing the cars down I think..

ANYWAY!I Threw it! I threw the pig into his newspaper! Because that's what the epics do!

It hit the newspaper and he looked at it, and he stared at it, then it started popping and kept frying, then it burned a hole right through the paper!

"Jesus CHRIST what did you put in that thing?!"

"MORE BACON STRIPS!"

"Well stop it!" Sasori growled.

"NEVER!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Melice is awake!" I chimed. She always made that sound when she woke up! It was funny! So I wasn't scared, but Sasori FLEW OUT OF HIS CHAIR LIKE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PUPPET! Just kidding! He wasn't that graceful! He just fell back in his chair and dropped the bacon on him and it was still frying, and he started yelling and threw it across the room and it hit the floor. ..My bacon..

My bacon hit the floor..

It..

It hit the...

HIt the floor..

So now..

IT'S

GONNA HIT

THE FAN!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed loudly, grabbing my face with both of my hands and dropping to my knees, "THE LOSS IS TOO GREAT!" I was screaming and crying and yelling and then it all got worse!

The kitchen door opened!

AND INSIDE..

YOU JUST SAW MELICE WALK IN..

Except... She didn't walk in...

_**BECAUSE BOTH OF HER LEGS WERE BROKEN!**_

Just kidding! I just wanted to play with the fonts buttons! Did I get you?!

She came in like a sad puppy! She was dragging herself in and looked all paley and shaky and sickly! "Awwwwww! Melice! You look like a dying puppy!"

I don't think she got that I was saying she looked sad and scared 'cause she stared at me like I was a terrible person.

Silverdude the stupidhero came walking in a little later and he sat down and he was all like AUGHHRHURURUAGHHH! he was sad I think, because he was sighing like Randy does when our English teacher is talking.

"Stupid bitch almost killed us both!" He growled and plopped into a chair. He better be careful with those! He'll break them with his biiiig pretty butt!

Mmm..Yummy...

Huh?

I'm talking about my Bacon! What did you THINK I was talking about?

"Killed you both?" Sasori questioned, sitting his chair up that he'd knocked over when he failed at believing he could fly. He had this cup of coffee and he threw the newspaper on the floor! LITTERDOLL! Anyway. I wanna know how he drinks coffee cause Randy told me that he was a puppet and so I think if he drinks something it's gonna come out through his bottom half. I mean that happens to everyone! But I mean like leaking! Wait! NO! I CANT SAY IT RIGHT!

POV MELICE

I was hurt.. Injured..

What Hidan said, was not wrong. I had tripped on that rubber duck, and he had heroically swooped in like a desperado! A Desperado hanging from the expensive chandelier in my parent's house with me dangling in his grasp, about fifteen to twenty feet from a hardwood floor! I was SCARED for my LIFE!

Naturally! I struggled, and we both came smashing down into the floor! LUCKY.. LUCKY... For me gravity was on my side! Because Hidan hit the ground first! He would have CRUSHED Me! I could have died! Ohh.. This has by far been the worst day of my life! My dream wasn't a dream, I fall down the stairs, then I almost lose my life to pounds upon pounds of shirtless... Shitless Pottymouth!

So then, there I was in the kitchen, trying to rest my adrenaline while leaning on my wall! I'm dazed here, like I would be! Then I just see Hidan talking to the Sasori one about the incident.

"Yeah!" He thumbed over to me, "That bitch over there decides that when she's hanging twenty feet above the ground, she's gonna fucking scream and struggle!"

Suddenly the cutting board over near Vera started to scream. Not literally! Oh God no! That would just be weird! From what I've seen today, it could be possible.. but weird regardless!

Vera was slamming her knife into the board.. MY Board.. So hard that the blade was going INTO the counter.. into MY counter! I could have wept! All this terrible stuff has happened and my parents' house, I just KNOW, will be in shambles before they get home next month!

Well, Vera.. Since, apparently you guys don't know.. Has a trigger switch. She tends to be triggered by the word bitch.. Used against friends. She doesn't like it! I never figured out why.. like.. psychologically why.. but it seems like a big mistake to try her with it! Next thing I know, I saw a cleaver come flying passed Hidan's head and into the wall behind him.

"BITCH?" Vera repeated in her high-pitched tone. Those red eyes were making a comeback, and I HAD A FEELING.. Just a HUNCH.. That I should have been about to call down to the church down the block and schedule and exorcism and 2.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Hidan shouted, staring at the Cleaver wide-eyed, then turning back to Vera, who was suddenly standing in front of him. He backed up so fast that he nearly fell out of his chair! Oh geez..

I turned to see how things were progressing, and to take a peek at the stove to make sure she wasn't burning anything like last time -when she tried to make smores with the toaster-

(That was an ACCIDENT and you KNOW IT, MELICE! I DIDNT KNOW MARSHMALLOW BLOOD CAUGHT ON FIRE!)

That was melted marshmallow..

(SHHH!)

So, I, as I said, had glanced over. And I see this potted plant.. Same one from yesterday.. Staring at me frighteningly with this super scary look.. If I hadn't been mistaken, I could have sworn that Randy had called it carnivorous. I gulped. "Hi there.."

"ZETSU!" Vera screeched, stabbing one of the knives from my chopping block into his chest, "YOU CAN'T EAT MY FRIEND!"

JESUS CHRIST! Good thing after that stab, she seemed relatively back to normal! She's scarier than all these crazy people in my house!

"AHGH! But.. But..!" The white half began pleadingly, "**I'm Hungry.."**

"Well have an egg or a piece of BACON STRIPS or something!" Vera huffed.

"But I want my food to scream and plead with mercy first..!"

Okay so I know who to avoid. I'll add that on my list, right under EVERYONE!

"WELL THAT'S NOT ON THE MENU!" Chimed Vera, tapping her toe down onto the floor whilst tipping her head to the side. Her eyes flashed to red, and she spoke with jagged, sharp teeth showing with each word, "**SO PICK AGAIN!**"

"I'll just..." The venus flytrap thing snagged a piece of bacon from the plate, then sank down through the floor. Christ.. Vera was something else..

POV RANDY

I had come down the stairs. And Hell, I'd passed a broken this, a shattered that, a fallen this and that. Lemme break this down. Most everything in the hallway and in the entrance room just at the end of the stairs was FUCKED. That bigass Chandelure thing hanging from the ceiling had fallen down, and there was a huge ass crater where there used to be floor.

Oh Hell no.

I stormed up into the kitchen, and I KICKED THAT DOOR OPEN, "YOU GUYS STOP MAKING FUCKING MESSES AND BREAKING SHIT!" I looked at their blank faces..

Then I slowly looked down at the door, which was hanging slightly off its hinges, "..SHUT UP!"

"Nobody's talking," Sasori scoffed in reply. He was such a fucking smartass. I wanted to rip that hair out of his Goddamn head. Let's see if the troll doll would be so confident then!

"You guys are gonna stop taking advantage of Ginger like this!" I snapped, fastening my hands on my hips, "Hell! This is my Home away from Home!"

"So are you looking out for her, or yourself?" Inquired the tomato headed fruitcake.

"Shuuut. The fuck up," I casually replied, looking around, "Now. Tomorrow's a Monday. Kay? We have school tomorrow. Kay?"

"OHHHMIGOSH! I forgot about that!" Vera gaped, "I can't wait to tell everyone that we have criminals hiding out at our house!"

"Vera.. All due respect.." Trailed Melice, wiping her blurry eyes, "But I think that'll get you put in jail.."

"My daddy's a police! I live in jail!"

"Me too... But my dad's not a police though.." I nodded, though shook my head, "But that's besides the point! Point here is. I don't trust you mother fuckers as far as I can throw you! So here's the deal.. Either you're gonna go get a job and pull your huge ass weight around here.. Or you're going to be coming to school with us! TAKE. YOUR. PICK."

"So if we go to school, or whatever the fuck you mean," Hidan trailed off, waving his hand with disinterest. Let him say something smart. I fucking dare 'em. I have this conveintently left cleaver right here on the floor I can grab. "We don't have to work?" Oh. That's okay then.

"Nope.. Dunno yet. It might mean that if I'm feeling nice."

"I don't think.. there's any way in Hell that you can disguise us as people like.. Your kind.."

"Your kind.."I repeated. That could be taken so many fucked up ways, and I was getting it every single way, "YOU RACIST SON OF A BITCH!"

"What!?"

I picked that cleaver up. And I threw that goddamn cleaver halfway across the room, into the table, right between Hidan and Sasori.

"These bitche-" Hidan stopped, glancing over to Vera, then clearing his throat, "These chicks are fuckin' crazy.."

"You're just figuring that out?" I smirked, making suggestive eyebrow wiggles. Oh this was gonna be a blast..

**A/N: SO. I re-read this stuff. Realized I must have clearly been on some very good stuff to have written it. Heyzoos what is wrong with me. UM. Yeah. I don't even.. FUCK. OKAY.**

**Randy: Wow. Did you just lose your shit?**

**Melice: It was lack of things to say I think...**

**Vera: Sometimes I say random things..**

**Melice: Why do I always get hurt? DX**

**Randy: 'Cause you can't avoid it like me.**

**Melice: At least I didn't break my legs..**

**Vera: Hehehe.. Whoopsy..**

**Me: WELL THERE YOU HAVE IT! SAY BYE TO THE VIEWERS!**

**Randy: Later**

**Melice: See you!**

**Vera: PIE!**

**Me: ...You guys don't listen.. :C**


End file.
